“Don’t immediately start showing up at parent-teacher conferences, and participating in a parental way. Don’t immediately sign up to be snack-mom for your stepdaughter’s softball team. Definitely don’t start acting as your husband’s stand-in or equal when communicating with teachers, coaches, other kids’ parents, or most especially, with your stepchildren’s mother. The fact that you are now married to your stepkids’ father doesn’t magically turn you into a parent - legally, emotionally or ethically… “…if you haven’t been part of the family very long relative to how old the children are, and you don’t really know the kids’ mom yet, hold off a while on doing “mom-like” things at school, at the park and with the kids’ friends’ parents.
i tend to love most things written by mommyguru Suburban Turmoil but this is not among them. her take on what a stepmom’s job is … is, well, a bit self-serving. having been through a variety of stepmoms and stepfamilies (gotta love the smith ‘are you 27? awesome.” approach to family-making) and the best kinds are the one that respectfully grow into yours… not assume right away that you are 100 percent the adult parental unit in the family. unless there’s a dead parent involved - because, and i know from my old stepmom’s new stepdaughters - that does change things, but when it’s just a normal divorced family, living mom, living dad, stay the hell out of the way for awhile. the dad didn’t just marry you and decide to let his family join your romance. your sexlife just now happens to include HIS family. it’s your job to step back and find a natural place in the flow - and if you don’t find it, sit down with the mom and discuss. seriously. back the fuck up. this is no indictment on ST’s parenting, but rather, a 26 years of experience post-divorce realistic take on how to not be called The Wicked Witch of the Next by your stepkids behind your back. because, yes, we actually do that. even when we call you “mom” and say we love you. we also, half the time, truly hate you.
